Dear diary,

Love does not hurt.

2012-01-18T02:27:00.000+08:00

Appreciate.

2012-01-10T03:32:00.004+08:00

Thank you for the thought of it.
I love the gifts ☺

Sigh.

2012-01-06T16:01:00.001+08:00

I am really sick & tired of the same name, that always ruins us.
It's been years already.

Why can't you just go away?

3 of 366.

2012-01-03T16:32:00.002+08:00

Time and again, you hurt me with the same things.
You just won't stop talking to them girls, won't you?
You care enough to ask about their well-being and such, why?

No words can describe how madly disappointed I am with myself for sticking with you throughout these years.
They said you were never worth it.

Well maybe, it is really true afterall.

Back to December.

2011-12-21T05:39:00.002+08:00

☺

He'll come around.

2011-11-22T20:37:00.004+08:00

Don't worry, he'll miss you. He screwed up & you did absolutely nothing wrong. He failed. He's not smart enough. If he was smart, he would have realized what he was saying goodbye to. But he didn't, & now he's gone. Don't call him telling him you miss him. Don't even call him just to hear his voice and hang up. Don't do it. You don't miss him, you miss what you used to be. Right now you're waiting for someone to prove to you, that you don't need him. I promise that person is right around the corner, but you have to let go of him & his bullshit first. He'll be back one day, it will be him calling you saying he misses you every night. He'll have his friends ask you if you still care about him. It will be your turn to just say, fuck you. You had me and you messed it all up. For now, find every reason to be happy without him. Don't message him, don't comment him, don't talk to him in the hallways. Just smile at him, and remind him that he let go of a perfect girl.

Show her.

2011-11-22T20:34:00.000+08:00

“She won’t call you, you have to call her. She won’t come talk to you, you should go talk to her. She’s not going to let you act stupid and pretend she likes it. You should just be around her. When you’re with a group of friends, she isn’t going to run into your arms no matter how much she wants to. You need to come up behind her and wrap your arms around her, and let her friends get jealous. She loves you more than you can imagine, no matter how much she doesn’t show it. But you boy, you need to show her how much you love her. So she isn’t afraid to show it back.”

There's never a right time to say Goodbye.

2011-11-22T20:33:00.000+08:00

“We had said goodbye so many times before, but somehow our paths always managed to cross and we ended up in each other’s arms. But now when we said this goodbye. I have this feeling that I will never see you again. And that really hurts because I know that we are meant to lead our own separate lives. And I honestly don’t wanna cross your path in the future cause I don’t want all these feelings to come back and have to try and get over you all over again.”

7th October.

2011-10-22T13:46:00.002+08:00

I am truly blessed(:

Eletheowl.

2011-09-25T08:46:00.002+08:00

“Eventually you’ll understand that there was a reason he walked away. There’s a reason he didn’t call and didn’t fight for you when you would have done anything for him. Eventually you’ll see past his bullshit and you’ll be able to see right through the guy you once thought couldn’t possibly hurt you. One day you will see.”

Really?

2011-08-28T11:23:00.003+08:00

"When I have enough money, I'll marry you."

Sorry for not updating this space often.
Busy with school. Thank God for the presence of the students.
They kinda take my mind off a lot of things.

Anyways,
Selamat Hari Raya 'Aidilfitri, you.

Eletheowl.

2011-08-13T22:51:00.001+08:00

“Cause he’s been a major part of your life, of course you’ll miss him; it’s perfectly normal. It’s like getting a tooth pulled out; after the dentist pulls it out you’re relieved. But how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just cause it was hurting you doesn’t mean you don’t notice it. It leaves a gap, & sometimes you see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take awhile, but it takes time. Should you have kept the tooth? No, cause it was causing you pain. Pulling the tooth was the right decision, but it’s going to hurt.”

Notebook.

2011-08-07T17:45:00.000+08:00

"I couldn’t sleep last night because I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I’ll be seeing you."

Ramadhan.

2011-08-02T20:49:00.003+08:00

"You are my first true love.
I love you so much when you were mine.
You were all I ever wanted."

Selamat menjalani ibadah puasa, you.
And by the way, it's the 5th year we're going through Ramadhan together.
I thought you should know.
Hmmkay then.

First of 2011.

2011-07-17T22:23:00.004+08:00

"Because no one looks good with you, except me."

Maybe I shouldn't at all.

2011-06-28T22:52:00.001+08:00

Dreamy.

2011-06-25T02:01:00.002+08:00

"I miss you.
I'm not missing what I get from you.
I just miss, holding you in my arms.
I'd definitely choose you."

1367.

2011-06-13T00:04:00.003+08:00

"1367; Do you remember?
I said I love you.
Always have & always will."

Happy 4th, to you & me.
I don't know if you're reading this but as I'm typing all these out, my eyes are getting all watery & my throat's kinda in pain from holding back the tears.
I still miss you.
I miss you, so fvcking much! :'(

I'll try to get better. I have to, right?
And even if I'm not okay, the least I can do is to fake a smile.
That's what I do best now.

Hand in hand.

2011-06-10T03:45:00.005+08:00

"Eventually the fast text message responses will become slow.
The long conversation will cut short.
The attention they give you will become neglected.
The comfort they give you will become something awkward.
The time they have for you will become non existent.
The feeling of being close to them will become distant."

Letting go doesn't mean you've moved on.
And moving on doesn't mean you've let go.

Well, I'm still struggling to do both but no matter how hard I try, I'll always fall back to square one. And that svcks actually.

On how to love your woman.

2011-06-07T16:34:00.000+08:00

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” - Bob Marley.

6.

2011-06-01T16:44:00.002+08:00

It's been half a year already. How time flies. May has been good to me. I hope June will be just as nice too.

Have you ever bumped into your ex?

2011-05-27T23:14:00.002+08:00

"The one you fell in love with? The one who made you the happiest & cried the hardest? The one that made you feel like you were the most special thing on Earth? Once you see that person, you either look down on the ground while your bodies pass one another, you look at them straight in the eye with a smile that may seem like you’re OK, or you go up to them and give them a hug you’d never let go. It’s hard to see that person with someone else. You start to think that they’re better off without you, while you feel like a fool who can’t move on. Just a glimpse of that person, your mind is filled with memories you guys share. From your first date, your first hug, your first kiss, to your last. Nothing can erase the memories you had with each other. You simply can’t let go of feelings & emotions towards someone like that. It takes time. But, even with time, there will still be a piece of you that loves that person."

What's love?

2011-05-22T13:28:00.002+08:00

“If I could explain love in one word, it would have to be trust. Trust that he doesn’t cheat on you, trust that he doesn’t lie to you, trust that he really likes you, trust that he will always be there for you, trust that he can go to a party and not get high or drunk, trust that you don’t have to worry about him breaking up with you the second you wake up, trust that he will stick up for you, trust that he will never fall in love with another girl, trust that he won’t get sick of you, and trust that he wants you like you want him.”

Followthatway.

2011-05-14T10:12:00.000+08:00

“You found another, and I’m really happy for you. You laugh more now, and that’s a joyous sight. You’re more cheerful and happy, that’s a great start to move away from all the things that were depressing you. But it’s just saddening to see that you have to give up on me because you found another, and I thought I was the one. You laugh more now, because I wasn’t good enough. You’re more cheerful and happy, because I became the substitute instead of the real deal. And all I can do is move a step back, and love you till the very end.”

Thousand words.

2011-05-12T10:39:00.000+08:00

Eletheowl.

2011-05-09T00:17:00.003+08:00

“Sometimes, I just miss that boy. The one who held my hand walking down the street; who’s arms I laid in and never wanted to go away. The one who I talked to for hours and told pointless stories to. The one who knew everything about me and liked me anyway. The one who knew exactly what I was saying even if I didn’t, and helped me when I had no clue what to do. The one who showed me what love was and what it was like to need someone there. The one who could only make me cry and hurt me like no other guy could. Those eyes that said everything, that sense of sarcasm that was always there; the way even he couldn’t stop from falling in love. That even though we fought constantly and couldn’t stand each other, we couldn’t leave each other’s side. Something is still there; something that never left me the day that boy broke my heart in two. Something like your first love that wasn’t ready to end. Something that makes your stomach flip at the brush of a hand or arm. Something that makes it so much harder to know that he’s not yours anymore. Something that makes you want to hide away and cry all those tears, because suddenly all of those memories come back and it almost hurts worse to know that it’s all out of control. And you just miss everything about that boy that isn’t ever coming back.”

May.

2011-05-07T04:06:00.003+08:00

May has started off really well, as I expected(:
Syukur Alhamdulillah.

So many good things have happened to me during these 7 days of May.
And I hope, more things will continue to roll in for the rest of the year and so on.

I've been happy.
In case you're wondering.

Not that kinda happy whereby I can smile & laugh at the littlest things.
But that kinda happy whereby everything is going smoothly in life.
Just the right amount of happiness for me to get through each day.

I am determined to get well.
To get on with life like I used to.
To be myself, again.
I may take a long time to recover.
But it's okay.
Because once I've moved on from it, I won't look for it anymore.

Anyway, if you're questioning on why I rarely post photos on this blog like I used to is because I find it more sincere when typing my thoughts down in words rather than photos.

Get well soon.

2011-04-30T05:46:00.003+08:00

Time has passed by really quickly when you least notice it.
It's already the last day of April.

So many things have happened in these 4 months of 2011.
Some were good, some were bitter.
Of course, I had more bitter lessons as you can see :')

But I won't let them bring me down.
I'm really looking forward to May.
Because I know there are some good things coming my way.
And I hope it stays that way for the rest of the year.

I know I haven't been good to you.
After you've said those words, I can't believe I was that bad in your eyes.
I'm sorry I wasn't the best for you.
I'm sorry I didn't try to change to be a better person for you.
I'm sorry I didn't notice you were unhappy with me.
I'm sorry I fell for you again & again.
I'm sorry.
I'll try from now on.
I'll try not to depend on you.
I'll try to be independent.
I'll try to live without you.
But you should know, you're still my favourite person.

To you,
Please stay out of trouble.
Take good care of yourself now. You're a big boy now, right?(:
Get well soon & stay happy always.
If everything else fails & the whole world turned their backs on you,
I'm still here & always be there for you, Khairulanwar <3

My favourite Stranger.

2011-04-22T01:21:00.003+08:00

To my dearest Khairulanwar, I don't know if you're reading this or not.
But I'mma just pour it all out.

I know what I said to you earlier on.
I know the words may seem harsh.
I know you believed it all.
I know you were sad.
And I know, they were all lies.

As much as I wanna call you up & tell you that they were all lies, I can't.
I bet you won't even wanna see my name appearing on your phone.
You don't even look forward to my name anymore, do you?
Sigh.

"I sayang sangat dengan you tau.
Sayang sangat sampaikan I tak boleh tengok you happy ngn lelaki lain.
Even kawan lelaki.
I know you tak percaya." - You.

I don't know how many pails of tears I've shed for you baby.
We've been through so many things during the course of our relationship but yet, we can't pull through this time?
What exactly happened?

Is it because you're going after the fame & freedom of having your own ride now?
You can easily have any girl at any time, at any day.
And I can't stop but to think that you're leading such a good life now.
You're definitely happier this way :')

I wanna be happy too.
But how?
Every little thing I do will bring me back to you.
It's pathetic, right?

I wish you'd tell me why tears were running down your cheeks just now.
I really wanna know.
Was it because I told you to move on or was it something else?
I guess you're never gonna talk to me, will you?
You're not gonna find me either.
Because you are you.

You cannot read my mind up till now.
You will always choose to believe what I say, rather than believing my heart.
You gave up on me, on us.

So why should I hold on, still?

Scre4m.

2011-04-19T22:26:00.004+08:00

Snuggling in your arms in the cinema, just like old times :')

Big G.

2011-04-19T04:19:00.001+08:00

Text message.

2011-04-18T16:58:00.002+08:00

"I love you :)
Still the best, ever."

From you to me.
It's been a while since I last heard those words :')

Love so strong.

2011-04-10T02:25:00.002+08:00

I was browsing through couples that were of the same age as MK.
Most of them are still standing strong.
So it got me thinking as to why MK ended.

Why aren't we still together like how we've planned?
Whatever happened to 'You're mine, forever.'?
Where have all your promises gone to?

I was madly disappointed that we could only last, 40 months.
I didn't expect us to end.
No, not at all.

We've planned out so many things to do together.
We were so in love with each other.
But where did we went wrong?

Maybe if you acted like an attached man, we would have lesser fights.
Maybe if we fought lesser or not at all, we would be together now.
Maybe if I weren't so childish, you won't get mad easily.
Maybe if you put your ego aside for the sake of our r/s, I won't throw tantrums.
Maybe if we understood each other better, we won't find faults.
Maybe if we're still together, I'd kiss you goodnight.

Or maybe, just maybe, I fell in love with you at the wrong time.

Your mindset was still about playing around & toying with girls' feelings.
Even up till now, I doubt your love for me.
Was it really real or for show?

If you could only cut off that habit of flirting around when you're attached.
If you could only see one girl, which is your girlfriend, in your eyes.
If you could only stay true to one.
If you could only see how much I love you, even up to this moment.
If you could only stop hurting girls just because you know they would fall for you.
If you could only feel the hurt you've inflicted upon me.
If you could only read all of this.

Sigh.
Who am I kidding?

You're Khairulanwar.
You're that handsome boy who could get away with anything you want.
You're that boy who could make girls fall for you in an instant with that smile.
You're that boy who would sugar-coat all those sweet nothings.
You're that boy who couldn't stay faithful to his girlfriend of 3yrs.
You're that boy who broke my heart brutally.

I wish you could see that you're doing it all wrong.
You shouldn't be toying with people's feelings just because you can.
You should not give hopes to those girls whom you're not interested in.
Because when you give them hope, you'd only crush them afterwards.

At times, I regretted that our lovestory ended.
But you will never change for the better.

Someday, I hope you become a good man.
Someone who'd respect his girlfriend.
Someone who'd plan dates for his girlfriend.
Someone who'd stay true to his girlfriend.

You will be you.

2011-04-09T20:28:00.004+08:00

I am so tired of disappointments that I always expect that from you.
It's sad because instead of proving me wrong, you stick with that attitude of yours.
All the fvcking time.

I have nothing to expect from you anymore.
Zilch.

Reformat.

2011-04-09T01:42:00.001+08:00

Throwing everything away bit by bit.
Changes are kicking in & it's good.
Changes means new.
New means no more you.

Tears.

2011-04-07T14:50:00.002+08:00

So we finally met up last night after so long.
It's as if my prayers came true.

I was really happy to see you.
Your face was one of the things I missed most.
Your smile, your voice & your hugs.

We talked about life.
About us. About you. About me. About everything.
How I missed those days!

And then you hugged me so tightly, telling me you missed me.
But tears were rolling down your cheeks.
I just wanna make you happy.
Of course, I missed you too :')

Tongues will wag.

2011-04-04T23:25:00.003+08:00

I really don't wanna know who you're involved with right now.
Who are the girls you're dating & contacting etc.

I really don't want to know.
I have zero interest in that.

But you see.
People just love to gossip.
They'd talk to me about you & the girl(s) you're dating.

I've always hoped for the best for you.
For you to be happy & move on to a better relationship.
I know I'm at a slower pace than you are but these people just won't let me be.

Hey, I know we haven't been talking for a while.
But I hope you're doing well.
Healthy & surrounded with love from your loved ones.
I really want you to be happy.
So please be.

But whatever happened to 'We'll still be friends."? :'/

First of April.

2011-04-01T12:34:00.002+08:00

I know it's just the first day of April but I want May to come quick.
I have so many good stuffs coming to me in May(:

Life's been good so far.
I do miss bestfriend though.
I just hope everything is going well for bestfriend.

If you happen to come across this blog, I'm happy.
Don't worry.
Be happy too(:

No.

2011-03-28T05:45:00.001+08:00

I'm not dating.
I'm just happier with my life now.

Stop assuming things just because you're the one who's doing it.
Tsk!

Khuntoria.

2011-03-20T04:50:00.002+08:00

Watching Khuntoria at this hour is not exactly the best idea.
Sigh.

I miss having a boyfriend, really bad.
Can't blame me.

I've been attached for 40 months.
I've had a texting partner for 40 months.
I've had someone to take me out for dates for 40 months.
I've waited for awesome movies to be released in theaters only to watch it with one person for the past 40 months.
I've had a really good bestfriend for 40 months.
I've been complaining about nonsensical things to one person for 40 months.
I've hugged & kissed the same person for 40 months.

You tell me.
How to do I break off from all these habits?
It's so damn tough because all these years, I've been dependent on this one person.
My thoughts, my whines are all with him.

So when I was watching the show, and the couple was like feeding food to each other.
Being all shy when gazing into each other's eyes.
Speaking in formal language.

How can I stop myself from not missing all these?
I miss being in a relationship.
I miss being in love.
I really do.

Changed.

2011-03-19T21:39:00.001+08:00

It's not like I lost interest.
It's just that, I know there isn't anymore hope in this.

I didn't lose interest.
I lost hope instead.

Littlest things.

2011-03-18T03:30:00.003+08:00

So you talked to me at MSN earlier on.
Telling me that you just knocked off from work and all.

Well, the start was a good one.
Light & happy. But we just stopped talking after a few sentences.

I don't know why.
Is it because you've already found someone else to pour out everything to?
Is it because you were too tired to share like you used to?

Whatever the reason is, I'm happy for you.
I'm happy to see you moving on with life.
I'm happy to see you mingling around girls.
I just hope you don't make use of them. It'll be very bad of you.

Seasons may change but no matter what, I'm here.
For you to talk to like how you did just now.

Stay happy, always. Be it around your friends or around her.
Take care.

A load off my chest.

2011-03-17T20:21:00.001+08:00

Because this time, you're really gone.

Kayla.

2011-03-16T03:10:00.003+08:00

I still cannot get over how pretty Kayla looks right now :')
It was worth it.
Although I wish I had more so that she would have just been pasted on instead of changing the whole body.

But oh well.

And thank God for my babies.
Had so much fun with them. How did I conclude that?

I laughed. I laughed a lot.
I haven't been doing that nowadays & I really missed it.
Gonna keep my head up high & make full use of everything.

I feel blessed now. Syukur Alhamdulillah(:

Mad.

2011-03-15T22:35:00.001+08:00

I cannot be mad at you because you are you.
It's good enough that I don't go astray like others.
It's good enough that I listen to you all the time.

It's good enough that I'm not like any others out there.

You really should be thankful.

So the next time you speak, think without your thick skull because at times, I'm right too.

Time.

2011-03-15T03:49:00.002+08:00

It's 3.49am right now.
Can't wait for later. Really!

Why can't time just fly?
No.

Why can't time move backwards?
I'll be happier that way.

I believe.

2011-03-14T22:35:00.000+08:00

I believe in karma, what you give is what you get returned.
I believe you can’t appreciate real love until you’ve been burned.
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side.
I believe you don’t know what you’ve got until you say goodbye.

I miss bestfriend.

2011-03-14T05:05:00.002+08:00

That's how I feel right now.
I need my bestfriend so much!

Love is pain.

2011-03-14T02:07:00.000+08:00

Throughout these years, I've gone through so much pain just to learn about love.
They say love is wonderful.
Love brings happiness.

I was certain that I did not fall in love with the wrong person because what I felt at that moment was so real.
It's just that, I fell in love at the wrong time.
That's was it.

That explains why everything turned out the way it is right now.